Referee!

'There's no point you being here if you're not going to do anything' screamed the lanky centre half as the opposition's centre forward whistled past him. He had claimed an off side. 'Don't you know the rules?' It was the occasion of the annual MRI vs Wythenshaw Hospitals football friendly, and I had volunteered to be referee.

Yesterday was not a good day to be a referee.

I finally got to use my BBQ that afternoon. It was, you recall, the first and last knock out round of the World Cup for England in an humiliating defeat by the old enemy, Germany. How the Uruguayan ref' missed the ball going over the line became increasingly difficult to understand with every re-play, and much much harder in slow motion. After the game, the BBQ. When we suggested it, well Sarah insisted it was at her house, we had envisaged no more than eight people. Suddenly there were twelve, but we had enough food. In fact we had way too much food, which is always what happens. Anyway my newly cleaned BBQ behaved excellently and, apart from the football result, the warm afternoon went splendidly.

The Wythenshaw-MRI game had not gone so splendidly. Wythenshaw went in 3-1 ahead at half time, they were playing much better and deserved, in my view, to be ahead. The MRI team were disorganised and foul-mouthed. I wondered aloud later whether they really were doctors representing their Hospital. I thought it was a disgrace actually, with repeated expletives and moaning about decisions. I gave Wythenshaw two penalties, but these were so blatant that even the MRI hotheads didn't complain.

The Wythenshaw captain has recently joined my football team, Stepping Hill, in the veterans league. He is coming on a football tour with us to Croatia next week. It's the first time I've met him. He's a moderately sound player and made few mistakes, but he too was moaning at the slightest contact. I don't know how these people go on in everyday life.

The purpose of the referee, in my opinion, is to allow the game to flow, blow up for blatant infringements, to stop people fighting on the pitch, and to be fair. Easier said than done. If I'd have given every slight foul and every moment of dissent there'd be nothing but free kicks all game. I was particularly pleased about being even handed, and the truth is I didn't favour one team or the other. If anything the MRI team were the more objectionable, but not much in it. There were several times I wondered if they new I was a GP colleague, and a pretty eminent one at that. I came close to saying 'excuse me, do you know who I am?' but didn't. It was a hot day, and at one point tempers over heated.

Half way through the second half Sarah arrived to see how it was going. The ladies on the line told her they thought the referee was rubbish. They were mainly MRI ladies. One of them did know who I was, she is a patient of mine. 'You can't say that' another said, 'that's Ivan'.

In the second half, the MRI got their act together. Their captain and over weight and over baring midfielder started to play, instead of shouting abuse. Wythenshaw crumbled. Comedy moment was when the scores had levelled. A ball was hoofed by the MRI and landed two yards in front of the opposition goal keeper. He hadn't judged the bounced, and oops, over his head it went as he grasped for thin air, into the back of the net. Oh dear, and he'd played really well in the first half. In the end the MRI extended their lead and won comfortably. The whistle went for full time.

I suppose I was expecting rather more gratitude. The game had flowed, the score was fair in the end. There had not been any fights (just). I was proud of my exercise of judicious impartiality. As the players came off there were a few grunts in my direction, but most ignored me.

Keith, the Wythenshaw captain and new team mate thanked me for doing my best. Faint praise indeed. Then followed up with 'although you were a bit biased'. I couldn't believe my ears. 'Hardly' I replied weakly. I was so shocked I forgot to ask him on whose side he thought I'd been biased, after all I had given his team two penalties!

Oh well, refereeing isn't for those of a sensitive disposition. Thanks Keith.

I don't think that Uruguayan will be refereeing again. Neither will I.