Dear Blog,

I know I haven't addressed you in the second person before and have been rather remiss in communicating at all over the last few days.

Yesterday was Catriona's 60th birthday party. Sixty! I mean really, when did that happen. It was a good party and as usual I felt like a guest of honour. Their usual neighbours were round, who, over the years I've got to know. Being their best man has given me a special status in their house, and I like it. Michael gave me a lift there. He's a good lad. I had a nice talk with Sarah. She has now matured into a very sensible young lady. Laura was up but had to go back to Uni as the term has started nad she needs to get essays in. Chris Lloyd, friend, neighbour and also colleague was rather more encouraging about the vision thing. He says that while the existing fibres have been lost you can get recruitment of other fibres for up to a year after injury. So that's hopeful.

I'm thinking of tomorrow as the start of going back to normal as far a work is concerned. I've been arranging appraisals and getting my timetable sorted. Yesterday I wrote an article on angina treatment for a GP magazine. I'm quite pleased with myself for that.

So, off to bed and prepare for tomorrow

The end of one dream

Too much is changing at once. I'm not sure I can cope.

I've decided not to go for the Tuscany dream after all. Well not yet anyway.

I spent my first night in my new room last night. Seems little different to previous room, still unsettling.

I saw my first patients today. Pretty straight forward really, but still tiring.

I'm feeling exhausted tonight.

Return to routine

Still haven't seen a patient but back to work. This will come soon. I phoned up for an application form for a bus pass and got some photos for it. I'm getting slicker with catching buses. The bus home was at the same time as children were coming home from school. It's pretty intimidating and I was glad they all went upstairs. You wonder if they have learnt etiquette and manners, and respect for others. I think I am a grumpy old man when it comes to this sort of thing.

A return to the humdrum is making me doubt the wisdom of the Tuscany adventure. I'm not sure it's worth investing in something I wont be using fully for another seven years. I don't know. Let's see

Letting off grenades

When IS a good time to let off a grenade? Obviously not when i did!

I got back from last night in time to rush off to my home group's lunch. They are good people, and after today may be all I'm left with. This group consists of people who have been meeting up, religiously, every month or so. They are members of Emmanuel church and held together by the Tamkins, both doctors. Most of the group are medics or similar high flying professions. They generally have fairly fundamentalist views but do entertain more liberal aspects of biblical interpretation, and I think that's what I bring 'to the party'. I enjoy their company and it is always a good humoured event. I got the bus back home and went to bed for a while.

I got up in time for church and took with me a copy of the Quaran. No not to read it out, but to give back to Fee. It was her copy that she'd lent me some time ago. Part of tidying up in order to move on. She arrived after me and went to sit some distance from me. I passed the book back to her and we exchanged nods. The service was much as usual and I left before the end. I was being given a lift.

The lift was to the men's group and this was where the grenade was to be let off.

We have met as a men's group for many years. When people ask me what it does, I tell them it's to explore the meaning of being a man in post-feminist society; to explore manhood, and fatherhood; and to be mutually supportive in time of difficulty. We have been meeting since Jonny was a baby, so about twenty years. There were eight of us to start with but Ian stopped a few years ago. We had long talks about it when he lived with me. He, for one had decided that it wasn't fulfilling any of it's aims, at least for him. I too have been wondering whether I can name how it has influenced me in being a better man, husband or father. I can't. How about support during difficult times? Well yes and no, and maybe. As well as all this Ken is going to be going away in the next few weeks, to be ordained as a Buddhist priest in Thailand, and may never come back. I think it's time for us to consider whether it is any longer viable.

The group started on it's usual 'round robin' of news. Should I bring it up when it's my turn? Well unless I go last some people will have to forgo their news. So I left it until the end. The grenade was thrown. I thought I was asking was us to consider it's viability at the next meeting, so people would have time to think about it. Instead there was an angry outburst, especially from John, supported less violently by the others. Oh dear, that was not the time to drop the grenade, but then when would have been the right time?

Now I'm back from the meeting I'm feeling pretty low and disheartened. Not least because of my room change, which is affecting me more than I thought it would. It's tempting to say sod the lot of them, but I actually quite like some of them. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Changing rooms

I'm moving rooms today. It is a strange feeling. It is like moving house, but cheaper and quicker. Emotionally though, it is still very odd. Apart from that, everything else is changing too, which is adding to the oddness. I have a new girlfriend; by the end of the week I shall have a new housemate/lodger; the relationship with my partners is changing; I can't look forward to skiing which I normally would at this time of year; my career outside the practice is still a bit up in the air; my ex-wife, mother of children, is doing her usual periodic thing about money; I can't drive. So I'm not sure if I'm sad about the passing of an era, or excited about the future.

The Tuscany adventure has taken a turn in an odd direction. Rachel reminded me that actually I'd always wanted to have a house in France and suddenly I thought that maybe I should be looking at houses in France rather than Tuscany. We're going to Pisa next week anyway, so will look at those properties but then perhaps compare them with the ones on offer in France.

At work there have been heavy discussions about the future of the practice and indeed the partnership. I'm very grateful to them, of course, for letting me take time off to see Australia, but now we are back I want to look forward to the future. I don't want to coast to retirement, as I suspect my partners do. I might as well retire now as do that. I have a vision of six days a week provision of care, form eight-til-eight. It seems to me it's what the public wants, what the government want, what we need to do to maximise the use of our building. So I will need to persuade them that this will mean no more work for them, just a redistribution, and that we shall at last enter the 21st century in service provision. Whilst one partner listens, the other glazes over and looks weary. This is going to be a struggle. Coasting is not an option though and if necessary I will leave them behind.

So back to today and moving out of my room. I've been here over five years. Leaving it makes me reflect on the last five years or so. Relationships mainly. Outside the window there is still lots of snow and ice. I like views from windows. The same buildings and the same trees, changed only by the seasons is reassuring. But, as we say in medicine, 'stasis equals sepsis'. So changing rooms seems somehow appropriate, a metaphor for a new anxious and exciting next phase/chapter/era. Who knows, perhaps the last.

Bit of a lull at moment. Waiting for things to happen. Some people are going skiing, and so should I, except I can't. It's so unfair.

First session on angina management went well, even though only seven turned up. Good discussion but will it make a difference?

Brian rang. He's moving in on Wednesday next week. I wonder what it'll be like having a proper paying lodger. I learnt that you can claim for various things against tax when you have a lodger, including Sky TV subscription and furniture.